I’m not the original poster, OP is u/CallMeDesdinova42
Standing up to my dad’s condescending buddy after years of putting up with his attitude
First posted in r/EntitledPeople
Shoutout to u/Starry_Gecko & u/Choice_Evidence1983 for the heads up about this update
CONTENT WARNING: >!Emotional mistreatment!<
First Post Aug 10, 2023
A while back, my father became buddies with this guy “Marcus” through some shared contacts, and they became close. I was around 18 and attending university when I first encountered him, and we never really clicked. But he always acted like he was part of our family circle, being incredibly patronizing and talking down to me constantly. Every time I’d see him, I’d convince myself it wasn’t so bad, only for him to prove me completely wrong within seconds.
Marcus would completely ignore my personal space, make comments like “you’re not 19, you’re just a child” while I was having conversations with others and belittle me, my studies or my interests whenever possible. He could always tell this bothered me, which made him teasingly wonder if I “despised him”. I always denied it, but only because of my dad.
The breaking point happened when Marcus interrupted a cookout to announce, “I actually care about you, even though you’re a rude little brat.” I was 20 at the time. I’d been silent most of the day, focusing on an assignment during the gathering, but I responded kindly and respectfully whenever someone spoke to me. Even if that wasn’t true, I knew he had no business speaking to me that way. After that incident, I began actively avoiding any gatherings where I knew he’d show up.
Yesterday was my dad’s partner’s birthday celebration. They organized a small lunch gathering at my father’s place. I attended with my husband and our six month old baby.
Marcus was present. I hadn’t encountered him in months, but he still spoke to me like I was some clueless kid. Never mind that I’m engaged, a parent, and 26 years old. I spent the entire celebration ignoring his “wisdom” about me being too immature to marry or become a mother. It was helpful that most other attendees seemed to think he was wrong.
My little one slept through most of the afternoon (there’s a crib in my former bedroom). He woke up needing to eat, so I went to nurse him and stepped away from the party for a bit. When I returned, there were jokes and remarks, all from Marcus, about how I was “clearly having trouble” if my baby was able to pull me away for such a long time. He then interrupted a chat I was having with another of my dad’s friends to question basically everything about how I parent (he doesn’t even have visitation rights with his own daughter, just so you know) and make more age-related comments.
I reached my limit after he wondered if I’d considered putting my baby up for adoption. I picked up my son and told my husband we needed to leave. We said farewell to everyone but Marcus.
As we reached the exit, Marcus came over to ask why we were going. I attempted to create an excuse, but he kept pushing us to stay. After some back and forth, he playfully wondered if I despised him. This time, I responded, “Yes. I do. May we leave now?”
He remained silent, and we departed. During the drive home, my husband said he was proud of me. My father phoned this morning to express the opposite sentiment, and we had a minor argument, but eventually agreed to let it go. I’m certain this situation isn’t finished, but if it continues, it won’t be my doing.
This is hardly my finest hour, and part of me feels bad about it, but I’m finished with that man.
EDIT: Holy moly, that’s tons of responses. To address some frequent questions:
-I don’t believe Marcus has romantic feelings for me.
-Marcus didn’t suggest I give up my child, he asked if I’d considered doing so during my pregnancy. It was still a terrible question, especially since he interrupted a conversation I was having with someone else (my dad’s partner’s expecting friend, who was asking about my own pregnancy and birth) to ask it.
-I don’t enjoy creating drama unless it’s necessary. If I’m uncomfortable, I exit. If I dislike someone, I stay away. It’s typically less stressful.
-The argument between my father and me ended when I mentioned the adoption remark. I don’t think he understands that wasn’t the only reason I left, but it definitely was the final straw.
-I don’t need my father to end his friendship with Marcus. He’s an adult who can make his own poor choices.
-I never told my dad I despised Marcus because I never thought I had to like him anyway. He’s my father’s buddy, not mine. I’ve been keeping my distance from Marcus since I was 20, meaning I haven’t encountered him much in the past 6 years.
-My husband was across the room and wasn’t hearing Marcus’s remarks. I explained everything when we got to the car. He completely supports me.
Follow-up Aug 18, 2023
Hey everyone! I wasn’t planning to write a follow-up, but I just found some spare time and thought I’d update you all.
I’ll begin by addressing the (quite common) theory that Marcus has feelings for me. I really don’t believe that’s true. His remarks always seemed irritating and condescending, but never inappropriate. But I must say that your comments really freaked me out. The fact that everyone basically said “screw Marcus” was oddly comforting.
I also want to mention that, while I did feel a bit bad about what I said, I never questioned whether I’d done the right thing. Most of my regret came from knowing that my eight years of keeping things peaceful were finished. It took time for the relief to set in. Honestly, I’ve wanted to do this since the cookout incident, which was when I went from “I don’t like that person” to “I cannot tolerate that person.”
My father contacted Marcus the day after I made my previous post. When confronted about the adoption remark, he tried to spin it as him being “truly worried” about me becoming a parent so young, and that he didn’t think I understood what I was getting into. He did say sorry to my father. I don’t believe any of that.
The following day, my dad told me about the conversation. He said I should forgive Marcus for what he thought was an honest mistake. He also told me I should say sorry too, since I’d “blown things out of proportion” by telling Marcus I despised him for such a minor thing.
Many of Marcus’s previous comments were made with my father nearby. It often occurred during conversations with other people, so he’d be too busy to notice them. He also wouldn’t register them most of the time. My dad doesn’t pay sufficient attention to anything that doesn’t either involve or upset him, and he’ll probably forget it until he gets mad at something else later anyway. He’s like a hyperactive goldfish. We also have different ideas of what’s insulting, so he’d never consider them serious.
I told my father I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I despised Marcus, and that the adoption remark was nowhere near being the only reason. I listed most of the condescending behavior and comments I could recall, including the ones from the party. He didn’t remember any of them. I made it crystal clear that I’d despised Marcus for years before the party, and that I had nothing to apologize for.
I then declared that I’m no longer attending any events Marcus is invited to. My father doesn’t need to end his friendship with him, or even stop inviting him to things, but he can no longer expect me to appear as well. I will ask him beforehand, and if he lies, I’ll leave.
My father called me overdramatic, but I pointed out that I’ve been avoiding Marcus for six years now and nobody even noticed, so it clearly wasn’t an issue. I’ve only encountered him a few times since the cookout incident, and only twice for more than a couple minutes (the lunch party last week and another gathering back when I was expecting). It clearly didn’t destroy my father’s life. I’m not required to like his friends any more than he is to like mine.
There was some discussion, but he accepted my conditions. We talked yesterday about something different, and he mentioned Marcus was troubled. I ignored that.
I’m not going no contact with my father. Yes, I’m very aware he’s difficult, and I came really close to cutting ties with him in recent years, but I ultimately decided it wouldn’t really solve anything. Managing my relationship with him has become much easier since I moved out, as we only see each other a few times monthly. He gets annoyed that I don’t call or message much, but doesn’t complain about it anymore. I don’t see the point in going no contact with someone who no longer has any influence over how I live my life. I’d rather just note what my father did wrong when I was growing up and then make sure to raise my own child differently.
He’s on thin ice, though, and has been for a while. He’s not permitted to babysit, mostly because I don’t trust him to spend more than an hour alone with an infant without falling asleep on the sofa. I began pushing for him to start counseling back when I got pregnant, and he finally began back in June. His behavior around me and my younger sister (who still lives between our very divorced parents) has improved significantly since, and I’ve made it clear to him that he won’t be allowed near my son if he stops going.
This is the first time in my life my father has improved his behavior. It’s difficult to be optimistic, but I’m trying. And if I ever do go no contact with my father, it won’t be because of stupid Marcus.
So that’s it. Overall, I’m happy I don’t have to pretend anymore. My relationship with my father is shaky, but I won’t focus on it. My main priorities are my son, my husband and my career, and that’s not changing anytime soon.
And to those who mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar and Blue Öyster Cult in my last post: has anyone told you you’re amazing today? Because you are.
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