This is not my original story, original poster is u/ThrowRA_falling232
My spouse brought his disabled siblings into our home without discussing it with me first. Our future plans are now on hold and I feel devastated.
Originally shared on r/relationship_advice & r/TwoXChromosomes
CONTENT WARNING: >!child abuse and neglect!<
First Post - February 22, 2023
My spouse and I have been together for 5 years now. His twin siblings (both in their early 20s) have developmental delays both physically and mentally. They can handle basic tasks like eating and using the bathroom, but they have weak bones that break easily. Their mental age is around 12-13 years old so they need help with cooking, climbing stairs, and walking long distances. They cannot support themselves financially because of these challenges. I knew about their condition when we were dating, but back then they lived elsewhere with professional caregivers.
A few months back, all their caregivers got fired. My spouse told me he planned to bring them to live with us, and about a week later they moved in with a new care team. I had no input or warning about this decision. Our house is now constantly filled with staff members. We lost all our privacy. My spouse already works long hours as a doctor with lots of on-call shifts, and now we hardly get any alone time together. I feel like I am fighting for attention with everyone else.
We were planning to start having kids since things were going well between us, but now everything feels chaotic. I feel grief and like I have no control anymore. It seems like he threw away our future plans, which might sound mean. We talked and it led toward divorce, but I feel so angry. He thinks I am not being understanding enough while I feel like he is giving up on us. I love him deeply and want to save our marriage before making any quick decisions.
Edit: His parents are not in the picture - I have never met them, not even before our wedding. He stopped talking to them years ago for good reasons.
First Update - February 28, 2023
After thinking about everyone’s advice, I talked with my spouse when he was free from work. He also wanted to have this conversation. We had an honest discussion about everything that happened. I told him how hurt I felt that he did not ask me or even tell me what was happening. He truly apologized and said he was only thinking about their emergency situation, which I could understand even though it still hurt.
Then he said he needed to be completely honest about something that might change things between us. He became very direct. He told me that while he loves me completely, he loves them more and has to put them first from now on. He said he could not handle anything bad happening to them again. Everything he did (the security cameras, moving in the staff) was necessary. This was painful to hear but I started to realize some things.
Maybe he acted selfishly at first (even if understandable), but my reaction could have been better too. He was falling apart in front of me, dealing with trauma from his childhood, and I was too focused on my own feelings to really support him. I felt terrible about that.
I did not mention much before, but his parents were truly horrible people. Their neglect caused the twins’ developmental problems in the first place. If he had not cared for them when they were small, they might not have survived. They are very attached to him like small children with their parent. As hard as it was, I accepted that I could not come before that relationship. I knew about his legal responsibility before we got married, so I obviously knew they were important to him. I have no bad feelings toward the twins - they did nothing wrong and are very sweet people.
For our future plans, we agreed to wait a few years (3 at most) before deciding if we want children or not. He was also willing to create areas that were “staff only” and “private for me.” This is already being set up and I feel much better about it. I know this might seem foolish to some people who said to get divorced right away, but now I know all the facts and where he stands. Anything that happens from now on will be my choice. I feel hopeful about my decision and do not want to give up on him and our marriage that I still value so much.
New Update - April 14, 2025 (2 years later)
My spouse’s siblings have brought me more joy than I thought having my own kids ever could. My truth about motherhood.
I was never sure if I wanted children. Throughout my life I went back and forth between definitely wanting kids, being uncertain, and not wanting to be a mother at all. My life was pretty boring honestly. I saw other women in my area having babies and started to fall in love with the idea of motherhood because it seemed exciting and gave women who chose it a sense of purpose. Everyone else seemed certain but I could not figure out why I was not.
I married my spouse (39 now) 7 years ago. He is a successful doctor who makes good money and has a strong bond with his siblings. Marrying him was the best day of my life. I am completely in love with him. His work keeps him busy but because of his job I get to stay home and do whatever I want. I did some small online work but mostly I was a stay at home wife which I enjoy.
After marriage we waited before deciding about children. He has legal and moral duties to his siblings (twins who are now in their mid 20s) but I was not worried about this affecting us having a child. Seeing how he is with them - his love and sacrifice - plus his dedication to his responsibilities and to me showed me he was already a great, caring father.
He has been their legal guardian since he was 18 but really he has taken care of them since they were born because of terrible neglect and abuse from their birth parents. If not for him they literally would not have survived. He is their father in every way except biology. They are like children because the abuse made them disabled both physically (small, thin bodies with fragile bones from poor growth) and mentally (brain development around age 12-13. They are smart like kids that age but cannot take care of themselves and need help with supervision, cooking, and moving around like going upstairs or walking far).
About 3 years ago we were deciding about children. I was getting older (32, now almost 35) and knew if I wanted kids I had to choose quickly. I thought about it and went back and forth, but after a friend had a baby I fell in love with the idea of motherhood again. But before we could plan, something big happened with his siblings. Because of criminal abuse by their care team, my spouse suddenly moved them into our house without even talking to me first.
It was a thoughtless mistake on his part that I eventually understood, but I panicked and posted about it on this website almost 2 years ago. I was emotional and upset about our lives being “thrown away” with all the pressure about my biological clock running out. I realize now it was not the best choice since people could not fully understand our relationship, his relationship with the twins, or how complex it all was without knowing their personal backstory.
People called me awful names like “idiot” and “stupid” and said I had no self-respect and would be miserable for choosing compassion instead of quick divorce. They said things definitely would not work out for us. My spouse was called manipulative and selfish. I was not expecting such mean and cruel comments, even toward the twins.
He admitted not telling me was wrong, apologized, gave me the private spaces I wanted in the house, and explained his reasons without dismissing my feelings (he went into protective mode, it was an emergency, he had trauma flashbacks). It was not done to hurt me even though it was disrespectful. More importantly it was not normal behavior for him at all. But apparently that was not enough for people on the post.
This hurt our marriage some but neither of us wanted to give up easily. I also had not been completely honest. I left out important details and did not take seriously what he had told me about the twins’ role in his life. He had told me before marriage that he was their legal guardian and how important they were, and that he would always be their father. I knew this but did not really think deeply about what it meant.
After everything happened we had an honest talk and he clearly told me they were his top priority. Since he is like their father I accepted this fact. It was shocking at first until my counselor (and some helpful people from the post) told me I basically married a man who already had children and seemed to ignore that fact. Something changed in me. I saw the love differently and could understand why they came first.
Months passed, then a year. Since then we have done marriage counseling (though working around his schedule is crazy), taken vacations (some just us, some with the siblings) and are in a much better place. We have date nights and alone time when possible. The adjustment was hard at first but not life-ending like people said it would be.
The desire for a child started to fade naturally for some reason. Even though the twins have full-time care from nurses, I started slowly spending time with them. Eating breakfast together. Going to the garden with them. Doing puzzles. Listening to them talk about their favorite things and how much they love their father.
Something happened that I never expected. I started to love them in a motherly way. I am embarrassed to say I was doubtful it was possible to grow such strong feelings for older children who were not your own. Or to anyone besides your spouse or biological children. I used to feel like I had no purpose. Even after marrying my spouse I could not decide what I wanted. Maybe that is why I waited so long into my 30s.
My counselor asked an interesting question: “Do you really want children or are you looking for a purpose?” Like I said, my life used to be pretty boring. But now I am passionate about things like disability awareness and child abuse awareness. I have gotten involved with many organizations. With our money I feel like I can actually make a difference. I have always wanted to write children’s books. The twins really enjoy picture books more than chapter books.
My spouse and I have grown closer through our love for them. I may not be their mother but I really do care for them. I do not have mixed feelings about children anymore. I do not think I want any at all and the feeling of not caring has been consistent for a while now.
I know some people will probably still think I am an “idiot” or that I was “manipulated into caring for them” (even though they have staff) or “this was his plan all along.” But I am truly happy with my life now and see a bright future for all of us.
I never thought I would log back into this account. I forgot about it for a while. This is not me trying to prove anyone wrong. I understand some people were really trying to help or look out for me.
I was inspired to share this one last time to give my perspective. Motherhood and love were things I was so confused about. But they come in many forms. I saw this more when a friend adopted two older children (12 and 7). As women, whether you have kids or not, if there is no sense of purpose inside you, kids will not bring happiness. For some women the kids are the purpose and it makes them happy. For other women being single and enjoying life and hobbies and relationships is their purpose.
I do not believe having kids would have made me happy or given me purpose like I used to think. The people that everyone said would ruin me actually helped me find my purpose - all without going through risky pregnancy, possible depression after birth, and stress.
I just want to be with my spouse, the twins, and continue having a good life.
Thank you to anyone who read all the way to the end. This is more of me venting and hopefully can help women who might be struggling with thoughts about motherhood, kids, marriage, purpose, or confidence. Never let other people’s opinions control your life. I am so glad I did not listen to the reality everyone tried to push me into.
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