I’m not the original poster. This story comes from u/Anxietyandconfusion who shared it on r/offmychest
Previous posts: First post Second post Third post
Warning signs: abandonment issues, forced pregnancy, possible drugging
Overall tone: seemed like progress was happening, but things got worse
Original Post - I can’t stand my child - September 14, 2024
I know this makes me look terrible but I really need somewhere to talk about this. Can’t discuss it with people I know and honestly don’t want to either.
I’m 27 and had this casual thing going with a college friend. Let’s call him Dave. We were both young and not looking for anything serious. Then I ended up pregnant. I told Dave because I wanted to talk through what to do. Termination, giving the baby up, or maybe he could take full custody if he wanted. I never planned on having kids so any of those options worked for me.
But Dave didn’t handle it well. He kept saying we could figure it out since we were almost done with school. He wanted us to get married and be a proper family. I said no way. He got his relatives involved. They kept calling and texting me constantly, even came to where I worked part time.
I know I can only blame myself but I just gave in. I had so much other stuff happening like losing my mom, drama with other family members and problems with my closest friend that I won’t go into detail about. I felt awful but I agreed to have the baby even though I still wouldn’t marry Dave.
Now we have a 5 year old daughter. I’m completely messed up. I never wanted children and even though I try my best, I can’t feel any kind of maternal connection to her. What makes it even harder is that she’s actually a really sweet kid. She barely has meltdowns, she’s always nice to people and doesn’t ask for much.
I feel terrible for not loving her. I feel guilty constantly. I only have her on weekends while Dave has her the rest of the time, but that doesn’t help how I feel. She talks about wanting to see me and her dad as a couple but I just can’t handle it. I yelled at her once when she made a drawing of me and Dave holding hands. I said sorry afterwards but I still felt horrible.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I just needed to write this all out and get it off my mind. I know I’m failing as a mother, I really do. But I don’t know how to do better. I don’t even know if I want to do better. I just want to sign away my rights as a parent but even thinking about that makes me feel worse. I’m trapped in this nightmare that I created and I know I should have fought harder and probably just terminated the pregnancy. I hate myself for being so weak.
First Update - I can’t stand my child - September 21, 2024
Some stuff has happened and I need to write it down, maybe get some advice too.
I’ll call my daughter Emma for this post.
I ended up talking to Dave about wanting to change how custody works and maybe even giving up my parental rights completely. Lots of people here said that would be best for both me and Emma.
He really didn’t like that idea and kept texting me about it all week. He kept saying we could fix whatever was wrong.
We had this rule that texting was fine but phone calls were only for real emergencies. So when he called me Friday night begging me to come see Emma, I went over.
This is the part I really need to talk about. I’ve seen Emma upset before but this was completely different. She had a total breakdown, screaming and crying as soon as I walked in. She grabbed onto my leg and screamed at me not to abandon her, asking why I wanted to leave and what she had done wrong.
I started crying too. I was honestly scared by how badly she reacted. Dave’s mom had apparently told Emma that I was planning to leave her and that she wouldn’t be coming to my place that weekend.
I had to bring Emma to my apartment earlier than usual and Dave actually stayed the night too. He said he was too worried about both Emma and me to leave us by ourselves.
I’m totally lost now. Even after saying I wanted to give up my rights, I just can’t do it anymore. The image of Emma crying and begging me not to leave is burned into my brain. I feel hopeless about everything.
Right now I’m lying on the couch with Emma and she’s watching cartoons. She hasn’t really left my side since yesterday. Usually she points at the screen and talks about her favorite characters from whatever show is on. Today she’s just lying next to me staying quiet. I can hear Dave moving around in the kitchen. He called out sick from work and says he’s staying here all weekend. I have no clue what to do. And I’m sorry but I don’t want to leave Emma anymore, that’s completely off the table now.
Edit: Can anyone suggest good online therapy options? What websites should I look for that will actually help and don’t cost a fortune? Dave is already looking for local therapists for Emma but I want to find individual therapy I can do online. Maybe suggestions for child therapists online too in case Dave can’t find anyone.
Second Update - I can’t stand my child - October 17, 2024
Not sure if people still care about what’s happening but here’s what’s going on. Writing this stuff down helps me keep everything straight and I want to hear what people think.
For anyone wondering about Emma, she seems to be doing okay. She’s still a bit clingy with me but she’s back to being her usual happy self. We’ve been watching her behavior closely and Dave decided a therapist isn’t necessary. I’m not sure I agree but Emma really does seem fine.
As for Dave’s mom, she hasn’t had any contact with Emma since what happened, though Dave has been talking to her.
I’ve been trying to read all the comments people left on my previous posts. What people wrote about Dave made me think. I haven’t mentioned this before because I didn’t think it mattered but back in college we were both using protection and I was also on birth control. I do think the pregnancy was a real accident but I got a bit paranoid after reading what some people wrote.
Dave has dated other women over the past few years as far as I know. We didn’t talk much though. We mostly only texted about Emma.
Still, this past month has been really strange for me. We’ve been talking more. He apologized to me a lot. I can’t tell if those apologies were genuine or not. My best friend told me to keep Dave at a distance but it’s been hard to do that with him coming over more often on weekends to spend time with Emma and me. He’s been inviting me to his place too and I went a few times when Emma really wanted me to.
I’m trying to understand what’s happening but it’s difficult. I’ll have my first therapy session tomorrow so there’s that. Online. I guess I’m hoping for some help in the comments? I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect. I’ll try to answer any questions people have for me, I know this post is probably kind of messy.
Third Update - January 24, 2025
Hi. I don’t know if anyone will read this but I’ve been getting private messages from people asking about me so I thought I should update.
I’ve been going to therapy. It’s been tough. Everything seemed okay at first to be honest. Me and my therapist got comfortable with each other. I think she’s good at her job. We’ve been talking about my problems way more lately. It’s pretty depressing to realize how messed up my life has been from the beginning. I’ve been taking new medication for a few weeks but I’m not sure it’s helping.
For anyone wondering, yes Emma has been seeing a therapist for about two months now. I insisted on it for once. Felt strange. Emma seems happier I think. Me and her therapist talk sometimes about how she’s doing and he gives me advice about what Emma needs.
We’ve been spending more time together. I have her every other weekend now. She’s really good at puzzles. She loves octopuses for some reason. When I walk around the house she tries to trip me by walking around my legs. Like a cat I guess. It doesn’t work but she keeps doing it.
I’m doing the same thing with her that my mom did with me. Cooking is a valuable skill. Right now she gets to watch me in the kitchen and see how I make things. I think I’ll let her start making suggestions and begin asking what the right steps are for making food. We’re going to wait a while before she starts actually helping.
I’m sure some people are curious about what happened with Dave. Nothing really. I stopped letting him in when he came over. He hasn’t been bothering me much. We only talked when we adjusted the custody arrangement a little. We mostly just text about Emma again. From what Emma tells me, Dave’s mom has been around again. But I think she’s being careful around my daughter since Emma hasn’t been asking any strange questions.
I’m not sure what else to say. Things are fine otherwise. Maybe I’ll update again if anything interesting happens or to tell people how things have changed. Thanks to the people who have been reaching out.
Comment exchange: Someone asked how she’s feeling about Emma after getting professional help for both of them and how Emma is doing.
Response: My therapist explained that I don’t actually hate Emma, not really. I’ve had a lot of anger built up inside because of the situation and timing of when she was born. I’ve been officially diagnosed with postpartum depression so that definitely didn’t help. She encouraged me to take things slowly and not feel pressure to immediately become a caring and loving mother. I’ve been spending time with Emma now more because I choose to and not because I felt like I had no other choice. It’s been helping. And as far as I can tell, Emma’s doing mostly okay. From what her therapist told me, she feels like she needs to protect me. She’s been noticing for years that I’m sad all the time. When she was being watched by my best friend, he would tell her I was just having a really tough day or week. She’s never really seen me truly happy so she decided to be the one who makes me happy. Apparently she was afraid of losing me and the chance to make me happy when her grandma told her I was going to abandon her. I still can’t really understand it completely. Her therapist has been working with her to let go of that way of thinking and it seems to be going well.
FINAL UPDATE - July 22, 2025
I’ve thought a lot about whether I should write another update here. My best friend said that this website is why my life went in a different direction so this feels important somehow. I don’t know if anyone will see this but it doesn’t really matter. Writing here feels like yelling into empty space.
Emma is six now. She had her birthday just two months ago. She’s happy. I’m glad she’s happy. I got her an octopus stuffed animal. She’s been sleeping with it every night and taking it everywhere. There was a problem when she lost it at her grandparents house but she cried a lot and her grandpa found it and gave it back to her. It feels like a piece of me might be with her as long as she keeps that toy.
I’m pregnant again. This will probably shock people. It shocked me too. I know that anyone reading this will be disappointed in me. Me and Dave ended up sleeping together again. I don’t remember it happening. Emma had her birthday party at Dave’s place. We had some drinks and talked a lot that night. I don’t remember drinking enough to black out but that’s what happened. We haven’t discussed it since. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant. My best friend says I need to get an abortion right away.
But I have to be honest. I don’t even care anymore. It’s just one terrible thing after another in my life. Since I started therapy so many things have started making sense to me. There are so many things I’ve pushed down just because they were so awful. My medication isn’t helping. It just makes the urge to scratch my skin until it bleeds less strong. That’s all. The urge is still there.
Hopefully, this is the last update I ever write on this account. It might not have mattered to anyone here but some comments really felt like they were keeping me going. I have read everything and I hope all those people are living good lives. Saying goodbye here feels really dark. So maybe this is more of a “talk to you later” kind of thing? Who knows.
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