I am NOT the original poster. Original poster is u/Terminaltossaway
Originally posted to r/Parenting
Father seeks guidance on sharing devastating news with his young child
Mood Spoilers: >!heartbreaking!<
Trigger Warnings: >!terminal illness, loss of parent, serious disease, childhood grief!<
[Original Post]: April 28, 2017
Hello everyone.
Using a throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I’m not here asking for pity, but rather looking for guidance on how to inform my child that I won’t be around much longer.
Posted this question in another community and they recommended I ask here instead.
Recently got diagnosed with a condition that basically put an end date on my life. The medical team can’t give me exact numbers but their estimate is around two years at most.
I’ve accepted this reality. I always understood that nobody lives forever and honestly, a younger version of myself might have been okay with this news. But everything changed when my little girl was born.
I won’t go into the typical parent speech because every dad knows their daughter means everything to them and they mean everything to their kid too. This child is my whole world and hurting her is the absolute last thing I want to do. Every time I try to bring this up with her or my former partner, I feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing.
My ex can tell something is wrong but she’s not pressuring me because she knows that pushing me just makes me shut down more. Financial security won’t be a problem once I’m not here anymore for reasons I’d rather not discuss publicly, so I know they’ll be taken care of.
But what’s the right way to tell her?
How do I explain to my baby girl that daddy has to go away?
How am I supposed to shatter her world like this?
Not sure what kind of responses I’m expecting here. My therapist hasn’t been very helpful with this specific issue.
Any good thoughts or prayers you might have, please save them for your own loved ones and if your dad is still around, please give him a call and let him know you care.
tl;dr: how do I destroy my little one’s happiness?
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I’ve been trying to reply to as many people as possible, but I’ve been stuck in the hospital for several days. Please make sure to tell your children and parents how much they mean to you.
Top Comments
Downvoted Comment: Keep it to yourself, she’s too young to grasp it, just make the most of your remaining time together. Record a message explaining everything for her to see when she’s mature enough to handle it. I can’t fathom what you’re going through, sending you my best wishes and hoping those doctors got it wrong.
Original Poster: Even though I’m hoping they’re mistaken, I’ve made peace with it. Others in the previous thread suggested recording messages and I’m definitely going to try that! I’ve collected presents and made things for important milestones that will be stored safely. Give your children hugs and tell your parents you care about them!
Comment 1: I believe you should have this conversation with her. Children can comprehend more than we give them credit for. You need to be ready for this to be an ongoing discussion, not a one-time talk.
For starting the conversation, I think being direct and truthful works best. “Daddy has been feeling unwell recently. I visited the doctor and they discovered I have a serious sickness that they can’t cure. I won’t recover from this and eventually I will pass away. We’re not sure exactly when, but it will likely happen before you turn 6.” Something along those lines should work as long as you’re being honest.
Give her time to absorb the information and be ready to answer whatever questions she has. Could be many or none at all. She might talk about it constantly or never mention it again. Losing a parent will be devastating regardless. Warning her ahead of time won’t change that pain, but explaining helps children understand what’s happening. Having both parents support her during this incredibly difficult experience will help your daughter cope with her feelings.
Edit: Just want to mention that it’s okay if she doesn’t fully get it. She’s 4 years old. She won’t grasp everything right away. I think maintaining open communication and being as truthful as possible matters more than expecting kids to understand everything immediately.
Original Poster: I underestimated how smart she was once before and wow, she really got me good.
I really appreciate your perspective on this. You’re treating her like a real person and not enough people do that when it comes to children.
Thank you. I need to speak with her mother first and get her thoughts. This is honestly the only thing left that truly terrifies me.
[Final Update]: October 17, 2017 (nearly six months later)
Editor’s note: The original poster’s former partner appeared on this update to share the heartbreaking news
I had no clue that Scott had written this post. Fatherhood suited him perfectly and he adored our daughter completely. He passed away peacefully in his sleep and I received this email with the login information and instructions to share this because he couldn’t do it himself.
Thank you everyone for your compassionate responses. Thank you for being such a supportive community.
Editor’s note: This is the message the original poster wrote before his passing and asked his ex to post for the community
Hello everyone! I wanted to thank all of you who left comments or sent messages after my first post. I figured you deserved to know what I decided to do.
The first three months were incredible! I spent every single moment I could with her and she’s growing and learning so quickly! We had fun together, took tons of photos and made silly videos at home. We spent almost an entire week just painting and drawing! I used all that time creating memories so she’ll remember me as I really was.
I sent emails to the address I created for her multiple times each day. Just tales from when I was a foolish kid, dad advice, photos of us together, things like that.
I recorded myself reading all the Harry Potter books out loud.
I purchased 16 years worth of holiday and birthday cards plus gifts. They’re all stored at my bank and will be given to her at the right times.
I bought 3 bottles of wine from her birth year. One for when she graduates, one for her wedding day, and one for when she becomes a parent herself.
I want to thank everyone who commented or messaged me. You are all cherished and I hope you can hear the words of someone who’s gone and do me one final favor. Never miss a chance to tell someone you love them.
Farewell internet.
Farewell Monkey. I’ll love you always.
Editor’s note: another message from the original poster’s ex
Adding an edit:
I checked this account this morning and I’m touched by your thoughtful words. I hope you take his message seriously and tell someone you love how much you care about them.
I’ve received private messages from several generous people asking about donating to help our daughter and while I appreciate the gesture, it’s not necessary. She’ll always be provided for. Please, if you want to do something meaningful then volunteer your time at a local shelter to help those who need to feel loved, or donate to any cancer research organization so we can prevent this from happening to other families.
We care about all of you and please keep your hearts open to love.
Key Comments
The ex responded to a comment about his background
Ex: The most surprising thing is that he was raised in foster care and group homes without any family. He once told me that having a real family was all he ever wanted and it really showed. He believed in giving her everything he never had while growing up so he worked incredibly hard to make sure she felt loved. He’d want you and other commenters to know that you’re loved and would make great fathers in your own ways.
Ex responds to someone asking about the Harry Potter recordings
Ex: He pauses at words that he thought she might struggle with and helps her pronounce them correctly. She was listening to one a few nights back and came to find me to help her locate the right page.
It makes me happy because he managed to do this in such a brief time, but as you progress through the later books, you can tell. You can hear the illness affecting him and you can hear him struggling against it so he could continue.
I apologize.
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