Note: This is a repost - I am not the original author. The original poster used accounts u/Questioningeverything & u/Needingadvice
Am I wrong to feel upset about my girlfriend’s romantic roleplay in her tabletop gaming group?
Originally shared on r/relationship_advice
Thanks to u/helpfulreader for the suggestion
WARNING: Contains themes of jealousy
[First Post] March 20, 2025
I’m a 28-year-old guy in a relationship with my 26-year-old girlfriend. We’ve been dating for approximately three years and just moved in together. She’s incredible—smart, funny, and caring—everything I could ever ask for. I appreciate her interests, especially since she loves tabletop RPGs.
She has tried getting me interested in her hobby, but I struggle to grasp it. The multitude of mechanics and rules has made it hard for me. We’ve also played some fantasy video games together so I could enjoy her interests, but I tended to lose interest rapidly. I think it’s best if she enjoys these activities by herself, and thankfully we have plenty of things we do together.
Her enthusiasm for her hobby is evident. She lights up during her weekly online game sessions and shares stories about her adventures, which sound intriguing, although they aren’t my favorite pastime.
We share a two-bedroom apartment, utilizing one room as a home office where we keep our computers. Her gaming sessions typically occur in the evenings, so I often watch TV or head out to give her some space. However, I recently noticed she started locking the office door during her games, which struck me as odd. Why lock the door for a game?
This behavior concerned me, leading me to do something I regret—over the past couple of weeks, during her sessions, I sat outside the office door and listened in. With her wearing headphones, I could only hear her side of the conversation. Initially, I heard standard game dialogue about rolling dice and casting spells, but then I overheard something that disturbed me.
It seemed she was engaging in a romantic dialogue with someone, expressing emotions and affection. I heard her say something like, “I care about you, and I want to help you rescue your family,” in a clearly affectionate tone. This conversation lasted around 15 minutes before it shifted back to typical game talk.
Feeling hurt, I confronted her after her gaming session. I explained that I overheard her expressing feelings to another guy, and she told me it was just a part of the game and not real. However, I felt it was wrong as she was expressing romantic feelings to a real person, despite it being ‘just a game.’
She insisted it wasn’t cheating and that her character wasn’t a reflection of her true self. She believed the drama added to the game and that I violating her privacy by listening was the reason behind the locked door. I acknowledged my mistake in eavesdropping but argued that it didn’t excuse her actions.
The similarity between her character’s dialogue and how she talks to me romantically really struck a nerve. It made me feel that something special between us was shared with someone else as a part of a game, leaving me to wonder if her feelings for me were genuine.
After an argument, we went to bed without resolution and the tension lingered for days. I finally told her we needed to address the situation properly. I emphasized understanding her hobbies are important but certain things should remain exclusive to our relationship. Knowing she expresses romantic sentiments toward another guy is uncomfortable for me.
I voiced my support for her continuing the games but asked her to no longer lock the door and refrain from romantic plotlines. She attempted to compare it to her in-game romance with a character in a video game we played together, but I explained that I don’t mind that as it’s fiction, unlike her interactions with a real person in this case.
She accused me of being possessive and controlling, claiming I couldn’t dictate her hobbies. While I agreed with that point, I told her if she couldn’t comprehend my feelings, our relationship might be at stake. She grew angry, stating I wasn’t calm enough to discuss it, and left for her classes. The longer I think about it, the more upset I become.
Shouldn’t my feelings be significant enough for her to consider stopping this behavior, even if she doesn’t see it as cheating? Am I being unreasonable?
TOP COMMENTS
GameMaster_Pro
You’re overreacting. I understand that people need safe spaces for this sort of creative expression; roleplaying can make one feel vulnerable, and it’s easy to be embarrassed if someone overhears. You should’ve asked her directly about the locked door instead of eavesdropping.
Your concern seems to stem from hurt feelings over hearing her say romantic things rather than any real emotional infidelity. I get why it would affect you, though.
But you invaded her privacy AND made accusations, so she wouldn’t be in the mindset to consider your feelings. Do you want to save the relationship or just win the argument?
ORIGINAL POSTER
I know I messed up and will apologize for that. But I can’t be okay with her simulating romance with another person. I worry that if I just apologize and drop it, I’ll feel I have to ‘share’ her emotional intimacy forever.
I don’t want to be controlling, but it’s hard for me to accept her expressing romantic love to others, even in a gaming context. It’s too painful.
[Update] March 22, 2025 (2 days later)
Having read your responses, I realize I might actually be overreacting and did mess up. A suggestion was made to ask to observe sessions to understand them better, rather than just demanding she stop.
So when she came home, I prepared her favorite dinner and we talked. She requested an apology for me eavesdropping on her and breaching her trust. I promptly apologized because that behavior was not acceptable.
This made her more open to listening to my perspective. I explained that her portraying romantic feelings with someone I don’t know in a context I don’t understand made me uncomfortable. I expressed regret for my actions, but also that I couldn’t simply change my feelings about the situation.
She inquired about how I wanted to resolve this. I suggested that mutual trust was important: I would trust her that it’s just a game if she would keep the door unlocked and allow me to observe some of her sessions. I promised not to disrupt, and to discuss any concerns privately afterward.
She appeared relieved as she thought I might demand she quit playing altogether or threaten to break up. She reassured me she didn’t mind but wanted to confer with her gaming group first, which seemed fair.
However, she was on her phone the entire evening responding to notifications and visibly becoming more upset. This continued for hours, even after I went to bed. When I checked in with her about it the next morning, she seemed anxious and exhausted. She mentioned that she had discussed my request with her group, and reactions were mixed.
Most players seemed fine with me observing, except for Dave, the person whose character she had a romantic involvement with. He claimed he wouldn’t feel comfortable ‘acting’ with a stranger present and wouldn’t participate if I were there.
This upset my girlfriend because witnessing the character relationship was the main reason for me wanting to observe. Dave responded that I was being unreasonable and infringing upon his boundaries. But then my girlfriend received some private messages.
Following the group discussion, Dave sent her a lengthy message expressing his feelings for her and how it hurt him to see her stifled by a ‘controlling and abusive’ boyfriend who hinders her creativity. He advised her to find someone who valued her passions more and informed her he was available if she wanted to talk. He wrapped it up with a suggestion that women like her always choose selfish men, disregarding the wonderful guys around them. He expressed how connected he felt with her through their characters and questioned how she could ignore this.
I was genuinely shocked to see such a message in real life. It was cringeworthy, almost laughable, and I couldn’t be angry—it was just sad.
Another player, Sarah, commented that Dave seemed excessively invested in the romance and consuming too much gaming time. She had held off on mentioning it due to thinking my girlfriend was enjoying it; now that it became an issue, she decided to voice her concerns. She also expressed feeling creeped out by Dave, which I appreciated.
Lastly, Mark, the game master, informed her that Dave requested I shouldn’t be allowed to ‘violate the intimacy of the group.’ Dave also pushed Mark to convince my girlfriend to stop letting me observe and potentially to sever ties with me altogether.
Ultimately, they decided to cancel the next gaming session while figuring everything out. My girlfriend hadn’t replied to Dave yet, but she appeared relieved that I was handling the situation well. I told her that I wasn’t upset about another guy showing interest in her. She’s a wonderful person, and it’s natural for others to be attracted to her. What worried me was whether she reciprocated those feelings, and these messages suggested she didn’t, which put me at ease.
We continued our discussion, and she recognized that locking the door might have looked suspicious in this context. We’ve established that she should inform me about any character interactions that make her feel the need to lock the door. I promised her that I wouldn’t eavesdrop anymore and would discuss my feelings about listening openly.
The romance with Dave’s character won’t continue, but I trust her to engage in character romances in the future as long as she keeps me informed and is selective about her interactions.
I’m uncertain how they will resolve the situation with Dave, but that will be up to them, considering it might feel awkward for her now.
Small update:
Dave didn’t take kindly to being ignored, sending my girlfriend a disrespectful message suggesting she’d end up alone with cats, claiming I’d leave her when she lost her looks (he’d never even met her in person).
As a result, she blocked him and shared the message with Mark. Dave will no longer be part of their group. My girlfriend apologized for not recognizing how unhinged he was.
We’ve reaffirmed that any interactions she feels uncomfortable doing in front of me are signs she likely shouldn’t pursue.
TOP COMMENTS
Tabletopveteran
It’s great to hear that things have worked out, but you should still discuss why she was locking the door initially. That suggests she held some awareness of it being wrong and potentially hurtful to you. I would need the full truth about that aspect.
ORIGINAL POSTER
She explained that it wasn’t about knowing it was wrong, but rather about finding a safe space to ‘perform.’ She even locked doors at her parents’ house before the romance arcs began.
Once I articulated how this factor made me uncomfortable, she agreed to leave the door unlocked moving forward and work towards being able to perform even with me present.
RoleplayFan
Your feelings regarding your unease about your partner engaging in romantic roleplay with others are entirely valid. As someone who plays these games myself, I would share your discomfort if my partner were flirting ‘in character’ with another player. It’s puzzling that people initially viewed your boundaries as excessive.
ORIGINAL POSTER
It might be challenging, but I love her, and if this hobby means a lot to her, I owe it to her to make an effort to understand it better.
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